False Intimacy

I blame religion and my parents mostly. I was hoodwinked and it screwed me up. Growing up, I was lead to believe that intimate physical acts were reserved for the person you wanted to be with forever. I grew past the "forever" part, but never quite could get over the jealousy of casual lovers.

I've always compared myself to those other people, even though we were in two different types of relationships. Casual relationships, one night stands, f-buddies, etc, are agenda based, there is a purpose. Same as a normal relationship, there is a purpose.

However in my head I was always haunting myself with those other relationships, depressing myself that someone could have a one night stand but not think twice about not sleeping with their bf for a week even if he's trying to initiate intimate activities. I would allow this to hurt myself, not think of the long term prize that I have, and only making myself jealous of the person who was only able to see 1 part of the multi-layered individual that I called my gf.

But I couldn't get pass it, each time I felt I didn't get what I wanted, I let another apparition of the pointless past blur my head and keep me from being normal in the present.

I was so wrong...it hurt me so bad.