False Intimacy

I blame religion and my parents mostly. I was hoodwinked and it screwed me up. Growing up, I was lead to believe that intimate physical acts were reserved for the person you wanted to be with forever. I grew past the "forever" part, but never quite could get over the jealousy of casual lovers.

I've always compared myself to those other people, even though we were in two different types of relationships. Casual relationships, one night stands, f-buddies, etc, are agenda based, there is a purpose. Same as a normal relationship, there is a purpose.

However in my head I was always haunting myself with those other relationships, depressing myself that someone could have a one night stand but not think twice about not sleeping with their bf for a week even if he's trying to initiate intimate activities. I would allow this to hurt myself, not think of the long term prize that I have, and only making myself jealous of the person who was only able to see 1 part of the multi-layered individual that I called my gf.

But I couldn't get pass it, each time I felt I didn't get what I wanted, I let another apparition of the pointless past blur my head and keep me from being normal in the present.

I was so wrong...it hurt me so bad.

I think a little bit of jealousy is good in a relationship, nothing that is actually tangible, but something that sparks that constant rememberance to keep your relationship fresh instead of letting it get stale. It's a shame that when relationships get to that comfort stage people forget to add the splashes of romance and creativity that keep the spark alive.

Of course, pull out your hair, grind your teeth, and bleed from the anus jealousy is bad. Real bad.

It's a shame when you know more then you should, and you see through the people telling you how they want it to be, but you both know how it will end up being.

High and Dry

This line has always applied to my life. How pathetic.

"All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love"

Ducks on the Pond

I realized something the other day, I think I've lost my competitive edge. That instinct when something challenges you and you have to find away through the challenge or accept defeat.

And to analagamatize, of course, I'll use baseball.

So often of late, I've been up to bat against a pitcher who has always given me trouble, each time with runners on base and me needing to come through. In my early years I swung for the fences, I was trying to knock in 7 runs even though it's impossible, and like most times when you swing for the fences, you miss. I wanted a quick solution, I wanted to win the game myself, I wanted to be the hero, instead I became the goat. Lately I haven't even been swinging, I've been going up there wanting to walk, not even trying to take the bat off my shoulder. I just didn't want it to be my responsibility.

My new outlook is to not win the game, it's a team effort and I have a lot of people rooting for me and willing to back me up. I'm going to play off what I'm thrown, I'm going to hit singles, take it the other way, and not try to do too much to it. Knocking in 1 is better then none. Moving up runners, keeping the game going, anything is better then trying to do the impossible and hurting the team. Of course, if I get that perfect pitch I'm still going to swing for the fence, but mainly I'm going to play pepper and just put the ball in play.

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Of course, this applies the same on defense as well. I'll be behind the plate but not even thinking how to get that batter out, instead I'm worried about the guy on first who doesn't even have a big lead, or is the tail runner, someone of no significance except they're the person I'm most worried about...but for no reason. Of course, I'll get cocky, throw over and launch the ball to right field where now they advance and they are a threat in the game.

Either way, I'm changing my focus to handling situations at hand within my means. I'm not going to try to do too much, and I'm not going to worry about things that aren't important yet. If the other team yells "he's going!" I'm not going to assume the runner is going unless it's from my team, or I see it myself. People tell one person something different then another, I just need to ignore that and focus on what I see and know.

I cried on the way to work this morning, trying to put together my thoughts into a nicely eloquent blog.

I failed.

You've got to be fucking kidding me. I guess I should just stop trying to compete if I know the Russian judge is going to give me a 7 and the other skater a 10 no matter what.

Eloquent.

I wish I could explain the lonely I feel better, so anyone could understand. It's not that I just feel 'alone in the world' where I don't have someone who IS me and UNDERSTANDS me, I feel like a castaway on a island all alone.

There are times when I just need to have a conversation with someone just to keep me from teetering on the ledge. Not a specific conversation, no agenda, no particular person, just someone who hasn't been 1 of the same 4 people I've seen 8-5 the last 8 years.

I've worn out my tricks, the stuff I used to do to stay sane (computer games, daydreaming) I can't fool myself anymore.

I just need to stay occupied.

I just wanted to be a shoulder
Why do I feel like the ass?

Hard Times

With the economy not being what it used to, even Sith Lords need to shop at Walmart.

To Learn By

If you're ever in the mood for a movie with great, great dialogue, rent JAWS.

The "thriller" is what lures most people to that movies, but if you ever really want to get astonished by a script, read it.

One instance was when Chief Brody and Matt Hooper where getting ready to go out to sea.

BRODY:
On the water?!


HOOPER:
If we're looking for a shark we're not going to find it on land.

BRODY:
I'm not drunk enough to get on a boat.

HOOPER:
Oh yes you are.


And off they go...